This post is the tenth in a series.
I did quite a bit of journaling through the time when I was coming to recognize my reality. I would like to share some of these entries with you as a window into what it means to come out. Please come back to read through the rest of the journey. If you haven’t read the first, you can click here to be redirected to that post, called Truth. From there, at the bottom of each post you can navigate to the next.
Last week I went over my Gender Expression piece for Tapestry to get it ready for my blog. I found a significant issue – I described gender identity, not gender expression. I described feelings of not understanding other girls, my confusion about how feminine people think and act. How did I not see it at the time that that describes gender identity, not expression? Perhaps I was unconsciously avoiding an assessment of my own gender identity. Now I’ve been wondering what to do about it. Do I post to the writer’s group? Do I say I made a mistake and here’s the correction, and by the way, I’m non-binary? I came so close to telling them at last week’s meeting.
This morning I read a Reddit post about someone who identifies as non-binary but still presents as feminine, and their experience on a first date. Their non-binary identity is new to them and they are not in the habit of disclosing it to potential romantic partners. But her date said that she prefers to date only binary people. The non-binary person posting was wondering what to do. In the conversation that ensued (on the date), she said that she realized she was comfortable identifying as non-binary to herself, and presenting as feminine meant she didn’t have to take risks that more androgynous-presenting non-binary folk do. That is what I have been thinking about. Saying I’m non-binary and presenting as I always have means I can be safe – tell only those people I want to and let everyone else believe I am still the same feminine person.
Yesterday I realized that a big reason I like my long hair is that it is pretty unmistakably feminine. I have struggled with feeling like I’m feminine enough to pass, so feminine hair has made me less worried about that. But for the last couple of weeks I’ve been trying to come up with some way to wear it that is less feminine and so far have failed. I’m thinking of getting a haircut.