What does it mean?

This post is the fifth in a series.

I did quite a bit of journaling through the time when I was coming to recognize my reality. I would like to share some of these entries with you as a window into what it means to come out. Please come back to read through the rest of the journey. If you haven’t read the first, you can click here to be redirected to that post, called Truth. From there, at the bottom of each post you can navigate to the next.

 

Feb. 14, 2020
0720hrs

 

I continue to think about a new identity. What does it actually mean? Will it change the outward expression of me? Does it make any difference to anyone but me? Will I come out to anyone beyond family?

Yesterday, I watched a video of a British show, This Morning. One of the co-hosts, a middle-aged man, was coming out as gay. He talked about his wife of 27 years, his 2 daughters, about his internal struggle. He answered the question, “Why now?” As I wrestle with Why now? Does it make a difference? It’s not really that important – here is an example of someone turning their life upside-down to be their true self. He said he’s not made the announcement now because there’s someone he’s interested in; he just needs to no longer suppress an important part of himself.

Part of my thoughts are that I haven’t been engaging in this inner dialogue for very long. I have not been putting off coming out. But just yesterday, a familiar thought came to me while I was doing something mundane: I’m 54 and still haven’t learned how to woman properly. And I realize that has been part of my inner dialogue for my whole life – I’m trying to be a woman, but feel like I’m missing the mark. From not being afraid to walk alone in the dark, to not loving going to the hairdresser, to not thinking like other mothers, I feel like I don’t fit.

So, what does that mean? Is it solely an internal shift that no one on the outside would notice? (So far, yes.) I find that, internally, I’m still trying to fit into a box. “What if I choose more masculine clothes?” Instead, I want to get to a place where I’m not considering what is expected of “woman.” I think there have been many times when I have made choices based on what I think is more womanly rather than just what I like. I’d like to get to the place where I can choose what I like, that’s appropriate for the situation, and not consider whether it’s appropriate for a woman, per se.

 

Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash