This post is the eigth in a series.
I did quite a bit of journaling through the time when I was coming to recognize my reality. I would like to share some of these entries with you as a window into what it means to come out. Please come back to read through the rest of the journey. If you haven’t read the first, you can click here to be redirected to that post, called Truth. From there, at the bottom of each post you can navigate to the next.
Feb. 17, 2020
This morning I took Haley for breakfast and told her.
Then Barry and I took care of some other responsibilities.
Then we came home and I knit for a while and then told Xavier.
Then I spent the rest of the afternoon watching TV, knitting, and being close to tears. I’m so tired. Why do I think these things shouldn’t affect me? I think I can just tackle these things and not experience the things that other people do? Why do I think it’s not hard work?
While I’m asking questions, why do I think I can drop this on my family and not foresee changes? How can I think there won’t be some repercussions? I want things to just keep going as they have been. Is that reasonable? Is that really dealing with reality? How can things not change? But in what way will they change? Watching Grace & Frankie where two men fall in love and eventually break up their families so they can be together: that’s not going to happen, but what is?
Just took a shower and was thinking that this could at least partly be tied to the physical: being tall, not being beautiful (look at that, I didn’t say ugly!), having facial hair, gaining belly weight (like a man, apparently, instead of on my hips where I’m “supposed” to), big feet. I know it’s not all that because there are tall women who apparently feel awkward, but no less a woman. And the same for the rest. I think it’s a factor, but not the whole thing.