This post is the eleventh in a series.
I did quite a bit of journaling through the time when I was coming to recognize my reality. I would like to share some of these entries with you as a window into what it means to come out. Please come back to read through the rest of the journey. If you haven’t read the first, you can click here to be redirected to that post, called Truth. From there, at the bottom of each post you can navigate to the next.
Reading the Teen Vogue article by someone who identifies as a non-binary woman opened the door just a crack. A little light spilled in. In the coming days, other things I read, some things I heard, and music from my youth opened the door further and further. When it was open wide enough, I stepped out into the light and could see and hear myself from a new place, from a place outside the 50+ years of self-talk and knowing myself. From the new vantage point, out in the light, I could see the true me I couldn’t see from inside with the door closed. I could see how the bits & pieces, the thoughts & feelings fit together to create a new, fuller picture of myself. And this new picture makes so much sense! This new way of seeing myself is so much more comfortable than the picture I had formed in the dark, behind a closed door.
I was just in the shower when these thoughts came to me. At first I was thinking about the door opening inward, to a place deeper within me. But it felt more constrained and not lighter. As I was turning the water off, I thought of the door opening outward, to more space and light. As soon as I dried off, I picked up this book and my pen. I was halfway through writing the paragraph above before I made the connection with “coming out of the closet.” Ha! Now I know where the phrase comes from!