This post is the twelfth in a series.
I did quite a bit of journaling through the time when I was coming to recognize my reality. I would like to share some of these entries with you as a window into what it means to come out. Please come back to read through the rest of the journey. If you haven’t read the first, you can click here to be redirected to that post, called Truth. From there, at the bottom of each post you can navigate to the next.
This journal entry is a little different. My spiritual formation community goes through an Ignatian-based retreat in real life each Lent. This entry is taken from the imagination exercise of going to the upper room to be with Jesus.
Today I imagined going to the upper room and sitting away from everyone, on the floor by the railing overlooking the courtyard. Jesus came to sit on the floor with me. I just don’t have the energy for people today. I feel fragile. Not broken, but fragile. Jesus understands this feeling that comes with revelation/discovery about oneself. We have inner constructs of who we are, who we perceive ourselves to be. These perceptions become comfortable and what we rely on for stability and a sense of normalcy. When something comes along to shift those perceptions, even if it’s good and life-giving, things can destabilize and feel less solid. Knowing I’m non-binary is good. It is who I really am. But the realization has dismantled some inner structures I relied on for strength and stability. What will come will be stronger than what was in place, but at the moment things are wobbly. Jesus understands. I used to think that Jesus knew, throughout his life, who he “really” was. Like he was keeping a big secret from his friends – like a superhero. But in recent years, as Gloria has helped to expose and explore the truly human Jesus, I believe he had moments like this in his life too. He always had his relationship with his Father and Spirit Mother to lean on, but I think he had these times of shifting, transforming understandings of himself. So, he sat on the floor with me to tell me that he understands, that the Father understands, Spirit understands. Just like he leans on Father and Mother, depending on his heart being held within the hearts of Father and Mother, so I can lean too. My heart is held within the warmth and love of the Father and Mother’s heart. I can rely on Father and Mother Spirit and brother Jesus while my own heart feels fragile and vulnerable.
I dwell in your love.
I am at one with you.
I am at home with you.